Child and Border
It is one of our parenting duties to help the vulnerable child who is exploring the world find his way. The ability to set boundaries during this journey is one of the skills we need to carry in our pocket. So what is this limit set?
It is one of our parenting duties to help the vulnerable child who is exploring the world find his way. The ability to set boundaries during this journey is one of the skills we need to carry in our pocket. So what is this limit set?
We can say that borders are signposts in a place we have never been to before. Just as we learn where we should stop, where we should proceed, and which direction we should go by looking at the signposts in an unknown place, the limits set by the parents mean the same for children.
On the other hand, borders also make us feel safe. There is a correct relationship between border and security. There is a door as a border between our house and the outside, and this door creates a sense of security. Because of the border imposed by that door, people we do not know are prevented from entering our house. This allows us to move freely in our house and sleep without worry.
Likewise, the limits we put on the child makes the child feel safe. The child who is put on the boundary feels contained. Knowing what can and cannot be done, the child acts more confidently.
The visible face of the child does not like borders, does not want to eat, constantly wants to play, does not want to study. However, due to its nature, it wants to take limits. When we think of the children of parents who cannot set boundaries, we see that many of them are angry with the parents and exhibit more aggressive behaviors. When the child cannot get enough boundaries from the parent, he does not feel safe because he does not feel that the parent surrounds him.
It is a skill that parents should have to contain and surround our child, to make him feel safe, to set limits where necessary, not to set limits at all times.
Setting the limits correctly depends primarily on being consistent and determined. When we put limits on the child, our words and actions should support each other.
Expressing the boundaries accurately It is very important that he does not perceive the limit as a penalty. For example; to our child we want to sleep; Saying, "If you don't go to bed right now, you can't go to the park tomorrow." And saying, "If you choose to sleep now, you would choose to go to the park together tomorrow." Will have a very different effect. While it is quite possible for our child to object after the first sentence, at the end of the second sentence, our child will be more ready to cooperate.
Another important point in setting correct boundaries is to respect the child's choices. Giving the child a choice and then skip that option and trying to do what we want means that we do not support our words with our actions, and for the child, it is confident.
Another mistake we make when setting limits is to impose on the child what we want, through indirect means. For example, it is not the limit to tell our child that we do not want to watch television that the electricity is cut or the television is broken. When we do this, the child is actually told 'I'm not strong enough to deal with you'. we draw the image.
So why can't the parent set limits?
Our past lives greatly affect our ability to set limits. In older generations of parents, the boundaries were very strict and there were punishments. Children who have been severely restricted in freedom and punished do not want to limit their parenthood.
Another reason is parents who cannot set limits on anyone and cannot say no. The word no creates a negative feeling in the other person in the first place. Then we realize that we open up space for the other person. When we say no to someone, we enable them to produce other solutions. When we say no to carrying our child in our arms, we encourage him to walk. When we say no to breast, we make it discover new flavors. I think it will be easier to say no when we turn our perspective in this direction.
To summarize; Limits need to be set so that the child feels included and safe. The limit is clear, the parent is consistent and decisive in enforcing the limit required. If a parent realizes that he cannot set boundaries, it will be effective for him to check what limit sets mean for him, how functional this idea is, and change his perspective on boundaries.
Exp Psk. Kübra MOUNTAINS ARSLAN
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